


Kill 'Em With Kindness

by Narimiri



Category: Durarara!!
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Canon-Typical Violence, Crying, Depression, Gen, Hospitals, Izaya being sad and lethargic, Izaya is batshit insane I'm so sorry, Poor Izaya, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Some confusing parallel universe stuff going on here, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, a lot of crying, depressed!Izaya, mostly just feelsy horrible angst though, occasionally there's fluff, poor baby, repost from my ff.net account
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-16
Updated: 2017-06-10
Packaged: 2018-11-01 10:06:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 16,175
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10919613
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Narimiri/pseuds/Narimiri
Summary: Izaya mysteriously wakes up in some sort of alternate world, where people seem to really, truly care for him. It's unnatural, but he can't help becoming attached to the new affection..On the other side of the coin, a second Izaya is sent into our Izaya's world, only to be met with hate instead of love..





	1. Chapter 1

My heavy eyelids slowly and groggily opened, and were only met with white and vague shapes, lots of them. I could hear vague shouting too, several familiar- I think they were at least, voices calling to me. The room smelled sterile, like medicine and medical equipment and disinfectant. There were faint beeps to be heard as well. The first coherent word to meet my ears was a loud, brutish yell of "Izaya!". My name, that's all I had heard so far. Suddenly, close to me, a face came into focus, the face of a familiar brute. I cringed a bit. Shizu-chan. I managed to form a wry smile, but didn't have the energy to speak yet.

"Izaya, are you feeling alright? We were all worried!" The shrill, somewhat nasally voice of Shinra made me jolt, sending a pounding through my head. Wait, why was Shinra so concerned for me? I mean, he didn't come to see me in the hospital when I got stabbed, so why now?

"Izaya, can you speak?" Shizu-chan's voice was concerned, I'd never heard him sound like this before! Especially not around me. I opened my mouth, but the only sound that came out was a hoarse stutter, my throat burned, like it hadn't gotten used in ages, what had I done? I looked down a bit, eyes focusing on my arms. Now this wasn't ordinary whatsoever. There were bandages on my wrists, and when I lifted one a bit, I found my eyes locked on to the image of lots of horizontal wounds across my wrists, still bloody. Made with what seemed to be my normal knife. Strange, I had no recollection of cutting myself, or attempting to end my own life recently.

Two more people came barging into the room, and I recognized them as Mairu and Kururi, my demons of younger siblings.

"Iza-nii, Iza-nii!" Mairu screamed in a panic, "Did you really try to kill yourself?!"

"Brother (should)... not...(do those things)" Kururi added in softly. I blinked in disbelief, suicide? I've never been a suicidal person, I'd never consider dying! I mustered up the strength to talk, and managed to say,

"E-excuse me, but who the hell are you people? None of you would really be concerned for me.." My voice was pitiable, a croaky whisper at best, and seemed more frail than normal even taking away the fact that I was wounded.

"What are you talking about, Izaya, of course we'd be worried, dumbass." Shizu-chan laughed, but he was obviously concerned for my health and my safety.

"Who wouldn't be worried if they found their best friend collapsed on his couch with slit wrists and barely even alive?!" Shinra's voice rose with anger at me for my logical comment. I winced visibly at his voice's loud, angry tone. "I'm sorry, it's just... Izaya, why wouldn't we be worried?"

"If you were normal you wouldn't care.." I felt spiteful, but their sudden concern made my chest feel warm. How pathetic of me.

"What do you mean?! We'd be concerned no matter what put you in the hospital!"

I see this version of Shizu-chan is just as angry as the normal one. Well, perhaps compassionate would be a better term for this version. I exhaled a small sigh of relief when a female nurse entered the room, smilingly instructing the crowd of my "friends" to leave, since I needed to be checked on and needed to rest.

"Hello, Mr. Orihara~" The woman smiled kindly at me, the kind of smile usually directed at little children. I nodded a bit, sighing as she helped me to my feet gently. I wrinkled my nose at the feeling of the white hospital gown against my skin. What I would give to have my coat back, I thought sadly as I saw myself in a mirror. This didn't look like me... I was scrawny- Not to say I had any meat on my bones before, but at least I was muscular, not a quivering, shaking bag of bones that could easily pass as younger than my real age, due to my short stature and malnourished body. My hair was longer too, more unkempt than normal, giving me the look of one of those sleep deprived shut in types. This is not my body. I know it isn't. I've never had this appearance. And why was everyone suddenly so worried about me?! And why do I have these cuts?! "You must have lots of people who care about you Mr. Orihara~" The nurse smiled, and I paused my attempt to solve the mystery to answer her.

"Ah, I suppose I do.." I sighed bitterly, "How long must I stay here?" I put on my ordinary somewhat melodramatic air.

"A few more days is all, then you can be let out." The woman smiled.

"Lovely. I do hate hospitals, you know?" I laughed, silently thankful when I realized that my voice sounded mostly normal. A bit more hushed than it should've been, but as close as I was getting.

"That's understandable." She smiled, helping me back into the white hospital bed, "I'll let you rest now, Mr. Orihara~" And with that, she left. I sighed heavily, settling back in my bed to think.

"So, so far I know at least Shinra, Shizu-chan, and my sisters are acting odd, I would assume everyone else is too." I murmured, tracing idle patterns across the skin of my right hand, "And this certainly isn't my body. Maybe I got sent to some other world.. Well, it's certainly not the kind of other world I was interested in seeing.." I sighed. It was sort of nice though, having them all concerned for me. I felt that warm feeling in my chest again, when thinking of their sudden kindness, I couldn't help but feel happy, and fragile, and... And human. I felt something wet and warm on my face, and nervously moved my hands towards my face. "Oh,

I'm crying..." I smiled to myself, feeling the silent tears pour from my eyes, "I suppose I'm finally human.. Ha-ha..." I closed my eyes gently, I was too, too tired for this.

"Izaya! Wake up!" A sharp, female voice met my ears, and I opened my eyes to see Namie standing beside my bed.

"Aah, Namie.." I smiled, sitting up straighter in bed, folding my hands in my lap calmly.

"This is why you gave me the weekend off, isn't it?! So you could try to kill yourself!" She yelled at me, "Honestly.. I'm your housekeeper, I shouldn't even be getting full weekends off." She looked angry, and had that same concerned look in her eyes that everyone else who had come to see me had.

"Housekeeper..?" My brows furrowed in confusion. Namie isn't my housekeeper, she's my secretary.

"Yes, of course. God, do you know how worried I was when that friend of yours told me you were in the hospital?"

"Aw, how sweet. It's lovely to know you care, Namie."

"Why wouldn't I care? It's kind of a part of my job to care for you."

"Well, I'm okay, so if you could just-"

"Izaya-san!" Ah, I suppose Mikado has come to see me too.

"Hello, Mikado-kun~ It's lovely to see you~" I smirked, just the slightest little bit, watching as Mikado and that little friend of his, Kida, came into the room to see me. Odd, that Sonohara girl isn't with them..

"Izaya-san, are you f-feeling okay?" I couldn't help but laugh, this was nothing like my Mikado-kun. And why was Kida here, he left Ikebukuro after that little incident with his gang. I guess some elements of this world are different. Well, aside from that odd, major change involving me. "I-Izaya-san, what's so funny?" Mikado sounded so hilariously panicky, I just laughed harder.

"I'm sorry~.. Ah, I'm quite alright, Mikado-kun~" I covered my mouth to silence another laughing fit.

"Izaya, did you actually...?" Kida began, but he didn't finish his sentence.

"Oh, yes, I suppose I did.." I sighed, "Would you mind leaving, it's rather late."

"You were sleeping when I got here, I'm sure you can spare some time to see your underclassmen." Namie rolled her eyes at me, a small smile pulling at the corners of her mouth.

"And you rudely chose to wake me," I retorted calmly, "I barely got any rest!"

"Fine, we'll leave." She smiled a bit and quickly ushered Mikado and Kida out of the room.

"You know, Namie's never smiled at me before.." I mused as my eyes slowly closed. I hoped to wake up in my apartment..

I groaned when I woke up in the same hospital room that I had fallen asleep in. "Lovely... Ah? What's this?" I noticed, beside my bed, were several bouquets of flowers, each coupled with a sympathy card, wishing me well. I felt my shoulders heave with a small sob, and felt the hot sting of tears in my eyes. What is wrong with me, why do I keep crying, why do I feel so weak?! I hate this so much, this world is making me feel human, it's horrible, I'm not human, I can't feel like this! No, I need to stay calm, I can't lose it, there's still still a chance I can get back to the right world.

"Hello, Mr. Orihara, how are you feeling this morning?" The voice of the female nurse from yesterday met my ears, and I quickly straightened myself up in bed, hoping she wouldn't be able to notice that I'd been crying. "Ah, it's so dark in here! Do you mind if I open the blinds?"

"No, I suppose not.." I sighed. I watched her set down a tray, hurrah, hospital food, and walk over to the only window, opening the blinds. How sickeningly cheerful, I thought as the bright sunlight streamed into the room, shadows cast on the floor by trees outside the hospital, cherry blossoms in full bloom, since it was spring, so of course they'd be in bloom. I sighed heavily, looking towards the window.

"I brought you your breakfast too, Mr. Orihara~" She smiled sweetly, and picked up the tray she had set down, carrying it to my bedside, and placing it on the bed. I grimaced involuntarily, disgusted by the meal on the tray. Everything was a plain, bland, brownish grey color, and looked utterly horrible and unappealing.

"Thank you ma'am." I said, admittedly stiff in tone, and reluctantly started eating, suppressing a gag and I shoved the food down my throat fast enough to avoid tasting it. I sighed in relief when the food was all gone, and nodded a simple, reluctant thanks to the nurse, who smiled and left.

I sighed, bored out of my mind as I waited for someone else to enter my room. I wish someone wanted to come and kill me, that'd be interesting. But Shizu-chan had gone soft to me, and I doubt this version of me has made many enemies. Shame, shame. How tediously dull. I sighed, slowly removing the bandages from my arms, wanting to see my wounds. I laughed when I saw the rows of haphazard cuts on my wrists and forearms. All the wounds were closed, and would certainly leave scars.

"Izaya, it's me. Namie. I came to check on you. You seemed off yesterday, what's wrong?" I heard Namie enter the room, and looked up.

"Ah, yes, I'm fine, Namie. How exactly was I 'off'?" I laughed.

"Refusing to see Ryugamine and Kida, first of all. That's not like you, you always let them talk to you, unless you're practicing."

"Ah." I decided to ignore what she had said, 'practicing', for now, "Really, I'm alright, Namie. I'll see them when I'm feeling better."

"If you say so.. Kishitani and Heiwajima wanted to see you again today too."

"Shinra and Shizu-chan? If they want to, it's okay." I rested my hands in my lap quietly, tracing idle patterns on the sheets beneath my hands.

"That nurse said you'll be let out tomorrow afternoon, since they only wanted to keep you here a few days to make sure your mental and physical conditions were stable." Namie's attitude towards me may be different, but she seemed to still lack any discernable personality. How funny. I smiled a bit at her, before looking back down at my lap.

"When are Shinra and Shizu-chan coming?"

"In the afternoon. You should get some more rest, I'll leave for now." Namie sighed, and left the room again. I started to panic, I'd have to deal with that freak masquerading as Shizu-chan. I felt my breathing quicken suddenly, panic washing over my body, as I started to shake, just the slightest amount. Tears stung the corners of my eyes, and I willed them to go away, a small cry catching in my throat halfway up. The need to cry overpowered my will not to, and the tears poured out. "H-how pathetic.." I let a self loathing smile cross my face. I despised crying, it was such a pathetically human action, and I looked like a mess when I cried. I tried to calm my shaky breaths, wiping away tears and pausing to feel the red, puffy skin under my eyes, knowing that my face was red and blotchy all over. I brushed my hair out of my face with a sigh, it was just long enough to be a bother. Damn this body. I bided the time by trying to think of how I could return to the NORMAL version of the world, until I heard the nurse enter the room again, and realized it must be about noon, give or take. God, more disgusting meals in my future, it seems. How fantastic. I forced myself to smile at the nurse, as she set my second meal of the day down.

"Mr. Orihara, I have to mention that you're going be put on some antidepressants once you leave." She sounded sympathetic. I guess that I won't be taking my medicine, since I don't have depression.

"Thank you for telling me," I paused to read her name tag, "Akame." I sighed heavily, and started to eat, quickly shoving food into my mouth.

"Is something wrong with the food, Mr. Orihara? You eat so quickly." She raised an eyebrow, concern on her face.

"No, the food is quite good, don't worry." I coupled a smile with my lie, and quickly finished eating. "Thank you very much for the food."

"Only doing my job. I'd also like to let you know that you're going to have some visitors in a bit. Some of the people who visited you yesterday. I believe their names are Kishitani and Heiwajima.."

"Ah, thank you, I was already made aware of this. I wish I didn't have to see them.." I cursed myself for letting that last sentence slip out.

"Any reason why, Mr. Orihara?"

"I didn't mean to say that, I'm sorry." I said quickly, "I'd like to rest if you don't mind leaving." I flashed her a slight smile, and made a vague hand motion. She nodded, and left. As soon as the door shut behind her, I felt my stress about being in this strange, different world take over my whole body, and I felt like crying again. This world was making me human in the worst possible way. I would hate to be on the same level as my humans, as much as I love them all so dearly. I just wish I didn't have to be frail like they are, it causes worthless heartache, which could lead to me losing my godlike status over my humans. Thinking about my mortality made my chest ache harder. I wanted to cry hysterically, I felt so terrible physically. I felt sick, too. I pathetically surrendered, and let the tears fall fast and hard, hot on my already burning skin, not bothering to stop my choking sobs. I'm so pathetic, disgusting...

"Izaya...?" The tentative voice of Shinra broke the silence for me, and I looked up in a panic, hoping he wouldn't see my tears and red face.

"A-ah, hello Shinra.. And Shizu-chan.." My tone changed to reflect a bit of my spite and hatred towards the brute as I spoke his usually hated nickname.

"You're crying. Did that housekeeper say something bitchy again?" The brute joked, a gentle, scarily non threatening smile on his face.

"No. Leave, please. You want what's best for your friend, don't you?" I smiled at the two of them.

"Izaya, you shouldn't be alone, it's not good for you while you're like this." Shinra said quickly, getting a glare from me.

"We should give him some space, at least until tomorrow, Shinra." Shizu-chan sighed.

"Thank you.." I murmured instinctively. Shinra nodded a bit in agreement, and he and Shizu-chan exited the room. I sighed bitterly, and slumped back in bed, falling asleep quickly after all that crying.

When I woke up, the nurse, Akame, was standing in the room with my third disgusting meal of the day. She seemed to be holding something else too, but I couldn't see well enough yet to tell what.

"Eat your food, then we can get your bandages changed and check up on those poor, cut up arms of yours." She spoke all too sweetly, and it made me cringe.

"Of course.." I sighed, and started to eat, yet again shoving the unpalatable food into my mouth quickly. As soon as I finished, she took the tray, and calmly came up to me holding bandages.

"Do they hurt?" She asked gently as she unwrapped the dirty bandages covering my arms.

"I've had worse." I scoffed, and rolled my eyes. She examined my wounds calmly, before washing the damaged skin, and wrapping my pale arms in fresh bandages.

"You need your rest, Mr. Orihara, I'll leave now." She smiled softly, and excused herself, allowing me a chance for a good night's sleep, since visiting hours were over a while ago. I settled down into the bed, starting to grow accustomed to it, despite the wretched smell of disinfectant that hung in the air. I slowly fell asleep for what felt like the millionth time today, finally the tiniest bit relaxed.

"Rise and shine, Mr. Orihara~" Came the chirpy voice of the nurse from the doorway. There she was, holding breakfast. I managed to mostly stomach the meal this time, perhaps it had gotten better? Maybe I just resigned myself to it, to make this meal and lunch more palatable. "You're actually being let out this morning, Mr. Orihara, isn't that nice?" She smiled sweetly as she took my empty tray. I nodded, my attention focused on the flowers, which had new, clean water in their vases. "I'll go get you your clothes, we can't have you leaving in a hospital gown~" She giggled at her own joke, and left the room. With a great sigh, I got out of bed, slowly stretching and walking over to the window, staring out at my city below, and the cherry blossoms in full bloom.

"I can't wait to be out of here, it'll be much easier to find out how to get back to my Ikebukuro once I do." I smirked down at my humans below me, my mood drastically improved from yesterday's.

"I have your clothes, Mr. Orihara, I'll leave them here, just get dressed and come into the hallway, I'll bring you downstairs, Miss Yagiri is waiting in the lobby to take you back to your home."

"Ah, thank you." I smiled, walking to the bed to pick up my clothes, slowly stripping out of the hospital gown, and pulling on my thankfully familiar clothes. Good to know this parallel version of me has the same taste in clothes. I folded the hospital gown neatly, leaving it on the bed, and exiting the room. Akame calmly escorted me downstairs, where, sure enough, Namie, and my sisters, were waiting. Namie held a bag in one hand, presumably the medication the nurse told me about.

"Ah, hello you three." I smirked, feeling a bit more like my normal self now that I had my clothes.

"Come on, the car is outside." Namie left the building, Mairu and Kururi tailing her, and me following. I suppose she already checked me out of the hospital. I got into the car with the three of them, and after a bit of driving, we reached my familiar apartment complex in Shinjuku. What wasn't so familiar, was the differing furnishings of my familiar apartment. It was still very much modern, but my computers weren't the focus of the main room like they should've been. I suppose this version of me must've taken up a different career, I thought, momentarily baffled by the grand piano that was positioned near the window, glossy and black, shining in the sunlight. I raised an eyebrow, but walked over, and took a seat at the bench, spreading my fingers to survey the keys. Well then, I wonder how I'll do at something I haven't done in years, that this body has been doing for years. I couldn't help but grin at this drastic alteration to my life, as my fingers moved to start hitting the keys.


	2. Chapter 2

I slowly opened my eyes. Huh..? This isn't my apartment... Why am I laying in the street? Oh, god, my head...

 

"Oi!!! Fleabag, you dead yet?!" I heard the roar of someone's voice coming closer to me. I yelped in fear, struggling when I was lifted up by my collar.

 

"S-Shizu-chan! Hi! W-what's wrong??" I stammered, seeing a positively livid expression on my best friend's face.

 

"Don't play dumb with me you little asshole!!" Suddenly, I went flying back into the wall of the nearest building. I quickly struggled to my feet, shocked by my own quick recovery.

 

"S-Shizu-chan, listen, let's just talk this out, p-please!" I felt myself shaking.

 

"Well, well, Izaya-kun, you want me to believe you had a change of heart, huh?!" He started calm, voice raising to a roar.

 

"W-what do you mean? I-it's you who's acting weird!" I quickly turned on my heel, darting off, only to have him chase after me. Maybe Shinra can help, yeah, of course Shinra can help! My brain seemed to go on autopilot, taking me running through alleyways until I reached Shinra's apartment, thankfully without that terrifying monster pretending to be Shizu-chan following me.

 

"Shinra!!! Shinra Shinra Shinra!!! S-something's wrong with Shizu-chan!!!" I screamed, kicking the door with all my strength.

 

"Izaya? What are you talking about?" Shinra opened the door, a slight annoyed look on his face.

 

"Shinra!! S-Shizu-chan hates me!! He tried to kill me!! I-I don't know how I survived!!!" I felt tears falling from my eyes, faster than I could stop them.

 

"Oh. That's normal, I don't get why you're acting like it's so strange. You aren't even that badly hurt. Bleeding a little, but otherwise, you're fine. I'll patch you up if you're so worried though." I caught him rolling his eyes.

 

"Th-thank you Shinra!" I smiled, and scurried inside, quickly seating myself on the couch.

 

"IZAAYAA-KUUN!!! I know you're here!!!" Came the deafening roar of the fake Shizu-chan. I dove under Shinra's coffee table before he could see me, shielding my head with my arms. 

 

"Oh, hello Shizuo! You're looking for Izaya? He's here some...where.." Shinra smiled, giving an expressive gesture with open arms.

 

"Iiiizaaayaaa-kuuun~ Come out and plaaaaay~" A positively gleeful smile spread across Shizuo's face. I whimpered softly, poking my head out from under the table for a split second. I felt someone grab my leg, dragging me out from under the table, leaving me dangling upside down.

 

"P-please let me go!!!"

 

"Caaaaught youuuuu~" An off key rumbling song came from Shizu-chan's throat.

 

"P-please, just put m-me down S-Shizu-ch-chan!!!" I wailed, waving my arms and legs as frantically as possible.

 

"You scared??" He hummed gleefully, grinning down at me.

 

"P-please..." Without so much as a noise, he threw me to the ground, my head hitting the coffee table. I saw a brief glimpse of what looked like a hospital, before jolting upright, only to see Shizu-chan stomping off.

 

"What did you you do this time Izaya? You must've really pissed him off." Shinra shook his head in a disapproving manner. 

 

"I-I didn't d-do anything, I swear to god Shinra!!" I wept, totally avoiding his gaze, "W-why does S-Shizu-chan hate m-me....?" 

 

"Uh, is something up with your head? You and Shizuo have always hated each other. Ever since high school." Shinra lifted an eyebrow quizzically. 

 

"D-don't either of y-you get it...? Y-you and me and Shizu-chan h-have been friends since high school, n-not enemies..." I cried, shoulders heaving with hard sobs.

 

"How hard did you hit your head when he threw you..?" Shinra mused, more thinking out loud than asking me the question.

 

"S-Shinra, please, l-listen to me!" I bawled, struggling to my feet. 

 

"I don't think you have any major injuries. And how am I supposed to know that you're not just screwing with everyone?" Shinra doesn't care.

 

"F-fine... S-since I'm so h-hated, I-I'll j-just go home, where I-I won't burden you all..." I forced out my words, averting my gaze and running out of the apartment in tears, down the stairs, since I couldn't wait for the elevator. I want to scream and cry, but it won't do me any good... 

 

I slowly trudged up to my apartment in Shinjuku, glad it was unchanged in location. I opened the door. Empty... I walked to the desk, not particularly caring at this moment that it wasn't in the right place at all, or that my piano was completely gone. I laid my tired head down on the cold desk, falling asleep. 

 

"Hello? Izaya. Izaya, what are you doing?!" My eyes shot open at a familiar cold, female voice. My half asleep body launched itself straight at the source.

 

"Namie, p-please!!! Y-you have to h-help m-me!!!" I couldn't stop the tears, and I latched on tighter to my beloved housekeeper's waist, uncontrollable sobs slamming my body.

 

"Ugh. What are you talking about?" Her tone was bitter and scornful.

 

"E-everyone's a-acting weird!!!!" I blubbered, burying my face in her chest.

 

"I see "everyone" turned around and gave you your just desserts.." She just rolled her eyes at me.

 

"B-b-but I-I d-didn't d-do a-anything N-Namie!!!!"

 

"Did you go see that doctor friend of yours? There's obviously something wrong with your head, if YOU think you're the one in the right here.." She scoffed. I jumped when my phone started ringing, and fumbled for it in my pockets, unlatching myself from her. Maybe Shizu-chan wants to apologize or something! My heart sank when I saw the caller ID.. Who in the world is Shiki-san? I answered the call timidly.

 

"H-hello? W-who is this....?"

 

"What are you talking about, Orihara? And why haven't you answered any of my calls for the past two days?" A cold, male voice was on the other line, and I could almost hear him glaring at me.

 

"T-two days...?"

 

"You have a job for me, I hope you remember."

 

"O-of course I remember!" I quickly lied, before hanging up.

 

"I thought you were dead. I came I yesterday, you were sleeping like a rock. Not that I'd really mind if you just dropped dead in your sleep.." Namie rolled her eyes. I quickly shoved my phone into my pocket again.

 

"I-I guess I was a-asleep for a while.." I have to figure out what's wrong with everyone! This is scary! I'm so worried, they'll hurt each other or other people if they keep acting like this! They don't care about anyone!

 

"No kidding. I'm leaving now, goodbye." And just like that, I was alone. Now that I had some peace and quiet, I noticed, my body felt more than a bit different. I looked down at my wrists. Any cuts I'd made were gone.. My skin was totally clean.. That's different... I've had scars on my arms since middle school, I almost forgot what clean skin looked like.. I softly walked into the bathroom, and paused in front of the mirror.

 

"S-so... M-maybe this is another me..?" I stared at myself. I definitely looked... Shadier, I guess would be the right thing to call this me. Taller, narrower eyes, shorter, spikier hair, a perpetual slight smirk on my lips. I sighed sadly, looking away from my own reflection. I slowly reached into the pockets of my coat, which, thankfully, was quite similar to one of my favorite coats. In the pockets, were three cellphones, two wallets, and various knives. I pulled out a knife that reminded me of one I kept on me for self defense... And.. Something else.. It was a simple flickblade, with a smooth, black handle, and a shiny, sharp blade. I slowly dragged the knife along the palm of my hand, creating a long, thin cut. I set down the knife on the counter, and rolled up my sleeves. Tears burned the corners of my eyes as I slowly dragged the blade horizontally along my unmarked wrist. I halted suddenly, dropping the knife onto the floor, and falling to my knees. I laid down on the cold tile floor of the bathroom, my body heaving with hard, loud sobs.

 

"I-I feel s-so worthless..." I cried softly, looking up at the ceiling. I fumbled for my phone, one of them at least, shakily going through my contacts from Shizu-chan's number.

 

"What the FUCK do you want, flea?!" Ah, what a nice greeting..

 

"H-hi Shizu-chan.. D-do you wish I-I was dead..?" I gripped the phone tightly, sobbing softly.

 

"Why the hell are you asking? Of course I want your shitty ass dead!" He snarled at me.

 

"O-oh... Glad to know... I-I'll go and die, then... I-I'll go jump off the roof of my apartment building.. M-maybe I'll set myself on fire.. Ha-ha... M-maybe hang myself.. O-or bleed out in the tub.." I murmured, smiling to stop my tears.

 

"What the hell, flea?! Since when are you suicidal?!" Shizu-chan yelled.

 

"I-I wanna die, S-Shizu-ch-chan.. I-I wanna die! P-please... L-let me die! L-let me j-just kill myself, p-please!!" I sobbed into the phone, and by some miracle, I heard my Shizu-chan, my best friend...

 

"Izaya, listen to me. You can't kill yourself, I won't let you, you dumbass.." Shizu-chan's soft, low voice said, calm but harsh.

 

"B-b-but I w-wanna die... S-Shizu-chan, let m-me end it... N-nobody loves me..." I looked at my phone screen, and I just couldn't stop the tears when I saw that Shizu-chan had hung up.. He's leaving me all alone.. I feel sick.. I slowly got to my feet, and staggered to my room, laying down on the bed. 

 

I want to end it... But I'm just too tired...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everybody. Thank you for reading this heartless piece of Izaya Orihara torture. Just so you know, I will be alternating between one chapter of this Izaya, and one of the normal one.


	3. Chapter 3

My hands seemed to have taken on a sudden mind of their own, flying over the black and white keys of the piano without faltering once, playing a song I didn't even recognize, or have time to recognize. I played and played for what seemed like forever, and when I finally stopped, I felt tired and dizzy. I slowly stood, not wanting to fall over.

 

"Izaya! You shouldn't be putting so much energy into practice yet, you just got out of the hospital." Namie reprimanded, shaking her head disappointedly.

 

"Ah, don't worry, I'm alright." I laughed, sitting down on the couch to rest, "Besides, I spent half of yesterday sleeping anyways, I'm not in need of much more rest." I noticed my cell phone on the coffee table, and picked it up. This version of me must only have one. I guess he would only need one, not being an informant like I am. I turned the phone on, and scrolled through the folder of contacts. I paused, seeing a contact marked "Shizu-chan". The weird part about it was the contact photo, it was a slightly blurry photo of Shizu-chan, grinning at the camera and holding up his hand in a V sign. I'd never seen him smile like that before.. This was too peculiar for words. I closed the contacts, and opened the photo gallery, scrolling through pages and pages of photos. It was so unnatural, seeing all the photos of myself with other people, and I felt that warm, happy feeling in my chest again. I quickly closed my phone.

 

"Iza-nii? Are you okay??" Mairu questioned. I forgot they were still here.

 

"Yes, yes, I'm fine." I sighed softly, combing through my hair with a free hand, "You two need to be at school." I tried to persuade them to leave, and surprisingly, it worked.

 

"Ahahaha, right, sorry Iza-nii!" Mairu chirped, and before she could open her mouth again, Kururi dragged her out the door.

 

"You can leave too, Namie, I'm fine." I sighed.

 

She crossed her arms before speaking, "I'm not leaving. You need someone here with you, damn idiot." She rolled her eyes, before walking to the other room, where she put the bag containing my medicine on the counter. "I'm going to make you some food."

 

"Ah, no need, I just ate." I shook my head at her.

 

"Ugh, fine. I'm going to clean up around the house, you always leave it such a mess." And with that, she left, proceeding to make her rounds around the house. I laughed half heartedly, and laid back on the couch. Planning to sleep through the rest of the day, I closed my eyes slowly. 

 

When I woke up, no light shone through the massive windows of the apartment, aside from the city lights. Ah, I love the nighttime so much. I smiled, and got to my feet, running to the window and looking out. People still bustled about on the streets below, despite it being far, far past midnight. My smile spread into a grin, ah, how I love my humans! I pressed my nose against the glass and stared down, mesmerized by the movements of the swarms of humans below me on the ground. I pulled back, and spun around, forgetting all about being forced into this different world, until my phone rang. I sighed, and looked at the caller ID. Shinra.

 

"He-llo?" I asked, enunciating the word in a purposefully strange way.

 

"Izaya! Celty said you got let out of the hospital this morning, your housekeeper told her! How are you feeling?" Shinra answered me all too cheerfully.

 

"I'm fine, Shinra. I fell asleep as soon as I got home." I replied calmly.

 

"Oh, good! And I wanted to ask you something!"

 

"And what is that?"

 

"Well, we were already planning to do this, buuut, since you're out of the hospital, it can be a celebratory thing now too!"

 

"Yes, yes, but what in God's name is it?"

 

"We're having a hotpot party tomorrow, today I guess, since it's after midnight, me and Celty are, and we're inviting everyone, so of course we were going to invite you too! Do you want to come? It'll be fun!!" Hearing this, I promptly dropped my phone, not caring when it clattered to the floor by my feet. I couldn't help it, tears pooled at the corners of my eyes, spilling out fast, and hard, heavy sobs making my body shake.

 

"Izaya? Izaya, are you okay? What's wrong? Hey, answer me!" Shinra's voice was faintly playing through the phone's speaker. I slumped down, falling to my knees, and picked up the phone, smiling as I spoke,

 

"Y-yes... I-I'd love t-to come..." The shaky smile began to feel more and more genuine, and I tried to stop crying, so he wouldn't worry.

 

"Great! H-hey, is something wrong? It sounds like you're crying." Shinra sounded worried.

 

"Ah... I-I'm okay, don't w-worry Shinra.." I tried to calm my shaking hands.

 

"If you say so.. I'll see you tomorrow-- Today, sorry." He laughed. 

 

"Bye..." I smiled, and ended the call, before shakily getting to my feet. I slowly padded across the apartment to the bathroom, and stopped in front of the mirror, sighing at my reflection. I brushed my bangs out of my eyes, wishing they weren't so long in this body. "I guess Shinra inviting me to his little party is one good thing to come out of this." I smiled at my reflection, combing through my matted hair with my fingers, "Ah.. I've never been invited to a hotpot party before, this'll be fun.. And it's being held in my honour, at least partially~.." I tapped my cheek with my fingers gently. I slowly pulled off my coat, then my black v-neck, then my shoes, then my skinny jeans, and finally, my underwear. I slowly walked over to the bathtub, and turned on the water, waiting patiently for the large tub to fill up. I slowly slid down into the water, sighing in relief when the water made contact with my skin. I sighed softly again, and gently unwrapped the now slightly damp bandages on my arms. I trailed my fingers gently along the cuts, humming tunelessly. "Ah.... I'm so happy.." I breathed out slowly, running my fingers through my hair, laying back in the water, a content smile on my face. "Huh....? I just... said... said something..." I murmured. My head felt fuzzy, I couldn't remember what I said, but I felt my chest burning with that happy warmth, which began to spread all over my body. I gently wrapped my arms around my body, a small smile forming on my lips. Ah, I feel so happy, it's so nice, I want to cry. I felt hot tears spilling down my cheeks before I knew it. I smiled just the slightest bit more. I feel so warm and happy.. 

 

Suddenly, I jumped awake, the now cold bathwater sloshing in the tub around me, morning sunlight streaming in through a window. I sighed dramatically, and heaved myself out of the tub, draining it and pulling on a bathrobe, before promptly filling the tub up again.

 

"Well, I didn't clean myself.." I sighed, and walked to the kitchen to make myself some coffee. A note sat on the kitchen counter. "Izaya, I came to check on you, but your bedroom door was locked, so I assumed you were sleeping. I went to buy your groceries, I'll be back in a bit - Namie" The note read. I smiled at it as I made my coffee, before heading back to the bathroom, and calmly shrugging off my bathrobe. I sat down in the bathtub, sipping my coffee, a relaxed smile crossing my face. I set the coffee mug down once it was empty, and proceeded to clean myself meticulously. After around an hour, I heaved myself out of the tub again, and grabbed a towel, wrapping it around my waist and walking to my room. I dramatically threw open the closet doors, and sighed when I realized, this version of me may have a similar fashion sense to my own, but certainly not identical. I reluctantly grabbed black skinny jeans, a red shirt, and a black leather jacket, and got dressed. I looked like I did in high school. Shame. I ran a hand through my still damp hair, pausing when I heard a 'ding' from my cell phone. I picked it up, seeing a text from Shinra. 'we're still on for the hotpot party tnight right?? you're not ditching are you??' I smiled at Shinra's text, before remembering it wasn't a joke. Right. My smile weakened, and I quickly replied with 'Oh, of course. I guess I'll see you then, then.' I looked up from my phone, hearing a knock at the door of my room.

 

"Izaya? It's me, it's Namie, I'm back. I brought you lunch, and groceries." Ah, so she's back.

 

"O-oh, thank you, I'll be right out." I hesitated when I heard my voice. It sounded.. Different, more quiet. I shook it off with a sigh, and left my room. 

 

"Izaya, are you really feeling alright? You look like a wreck." Namie looked up from the bags of groceries she was unloading. 

 

"I-I'm fine, I promise I am.. I fell asleep in the bath last night.." I seemed to have developed a minor stutter. Lovely.

 

"Ugh, you're such an idiot! You really can fall asleep anywhere, can't you.." She shook her head in disapproval. 

 

"I-I'm sorry." I sighed softly, shoving my hands into my pockets, looking down at my feet. 

 

"Whatever, you need to get some food in your system, you're skinny enough as it is." Namie scoffed, "You look half your age already, we don't need you looking sickly too."

 

"Okay, thanks..." I lifted my hand in a gentle thanks, before pulling myself up onto a barstool to watch her cook.

 

"Ugh, it's just me doing my job. You don't have to be so gracious all the time, Izaya."

 

"Oh? I'm... I'm gracious?"

 

"Of course you are. You're always stuttering apologies when you forget to eat or pass out while you're practicing or get yourself hurt." She rolled her eyes, "Honestly, Izaya, I swear you forget about the most obvious things..."

 

"Oh, I do...?"

 

"Yes! What's wrong with you today?"

 

"Oh, I dunno...." I ran a hand through my hair. Maybe the fact that this isn't my world, has something to do with it, by chance? "Say, Namie, would you mind telling me what I'm like normally?"

 

"If you want me to.. Strange man... Um... You're usually sort of a crybaby, dramatic, a little immature, you have zero concern for your own health, you take your job really seriously. Seriously, one time I found you sleeping facedown on the piano, and when I woke you up, you told me you hadn't eaten since I showed up to check on you last, which was two days before that. Honestly, you're so stupid.."

 

"Ah.... I see...." I nodded, this me was really nothing like me. Aside from maybe the devotion to his job, nothing whatsoever matched up. Ugh, I want to go back to the right world. I stared at the ground, I just want to go home, I wanna go home! I shook my head, no, get it together Izaya, don't lose it, you've only been here a few days, if you lose it now, you won't be able to get yourself back.

 

"Izaya? Are you okay over there? Iza-- Oh my god, are you crying??" 

 

"H-huh...?" I looked up when Namie's voice interrupted my thoughts.

 

"You're acting seriously weird today! First you ask what you're normally like, now you're just randomly crying! I'm worried about you--" She suddenly stopped, her eyes locking with the untouched medicine on the kitchen counter. "You haven't taken your medication, have you, Izaya?"

 

I rubbed tears from my eyes, looking up at her, "A-ah..? Namie, o-of course I have... Why wouldn't I be taking it..?" I smiled sadly.

 

"I swear to god... You always lie to me. You're such an idiot..." She shook her head, and motioned to me to come closer. I slowly walked up to her, halting when I suddenly felt an warm pair of arms around my body.

 

"A-ah? S-so, you do have a soul, eh Namie..." I reluctantly rested my head on her shoulder.

 

"God, Izaya... Are you stupid? Did you forget to take your medicine, or did you not take it on purpose? Either way, you're such an idiot..."

 

"O-oh.... I just don't need to take it, okay...?" Suddenly, I found the bottle of pills shoved into my hand. "H-honestly Namie, you worry too much..." For her, she really is worrying far too much. It's a bit alarming really.. I'm slightly scared of her.

 

"Of course you do! You can't just NOT take them." She shook her head, "I'm going to make us lunch, promise me you'll start taking your medication?" She took on a caring tone, like that of a doting older sister. I suppose she is an older sister, but I've never seen her like this.

 

"Sure.... Sure Namie, I'll take them..."

 

"Thank you. Now, I'll make us some lunch." I nodded my thanks to her, rolling the bottle of pills in my hand, calmly reading through every side effect and drug fact. It was a little blurry. Strange. I sighed, I guess this version of me isn't the faultless god that I am. 

 

"Glasses."

 

"Eh? What on earth are you talking about, Izaya? What's wr-- Ah. Your glasses are on the piano, in the red plastic case with a silver fastener." Namie seemed to understand something about my simple realization.

 

"Ah, thank you.." I stood, walking over to the piano. Sure enough, there were the glasses. A bit big for my tastes, and when I put them on, they sat crooked on my face. 

 

"Lunch is ready."

 

"Th-thank you." I nodded, and walked into the kitchen, pulling myself back up onto my seat. On the kitchen counter in front of me, sat a simple bowl of rice, served in tea, with some kind of dried fish on top of it. I smiled a thanks, and started eating.

 

"Are you going to that party that Kishitani-san invited you to?" 

 

"Yes, yes... It's tonight. I'm sure you're more than welcome if you want to come, Namie." I smiled just the slightest bit. I paused mid bite of food, that warm, happy feeling coursing through my body. It tasted amazing, much better than what the ordinary Namie would cook for me. "A-ah.. Thank you for the food.." I murmured, quickly swallowing and flashing her a fully fledged smile for once. The steam from the still hot food made my glasses fog up, so I slipped them off, setting them on the counter next to my food.

 

"I say this every day, but I'm just doing my job, really." She rolled her eyes.

 

"I know." I made myself jump with the return of my firmer tone of voice, "Anyways, I'm going to be off now. I'll see you when I return from Shinra's little get together~" I gave a nonchalant wave, calmly leaving the apartment, more than a little relieved to see my ordinary demeanor coming back for the time being. 

 

This ought to be a fun little excursion, a nice change from trying to find out how to get home to my world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope nobody minds the subtle on/off IzaNamie tension, haha, I just think it works


	4. Chapter 4

I slowly woke up, and for a moment, I thought that everything was normal. Then I looked down, and saw the single fresh cut on my wrist.. My heart sank to my feet. I slowly reached for one of my phones, and dialed Shinra's number.

 

"S-Shinra.. C-can you h-help me die...? P-please.. I-I wanna die.." I said softly into the phone, before hanging up, not wanting to hear his response. Even though he hates me... He won't help me die, I know it... I laid limp on the bed, too exhausted and lethargic feeling to get up, or even to move. I'm lazy and disgusting, I'm too lazy to even to do the world a favor by dying. I don't have an impact on the world, except to hurt others.. I feel disgusting.. Dirty, and filthy, and... 

 

"Ah... My phone's ringing..." I murmured. I don't want to answer it... Someone just wants to yell at me, I'll bet.. Nonetheless, I sadly reached for my phone, and answered with a soft "H-hello....?", not reading the caller ID. 

 

"Orihara. Didn't I remind you yesterday you have a major job for me?" The harsh voice of the man called Shiki from yesterday snapped at me.

 

"Y-yes... But I can't... I-I can't do it... right now.." I murmured in response, laying despondent on the bed still.

 

"And why is this, Orihara?" The voice replied, stern and reprimanding.

 

"I-I just can't..." I quickly hung up, a small sob catching in my throat. I don't even know what he wants me to do... I'm not even sure what my job is... I curled up on my bed, the heavy feeling of loneliness setting in once more. My whole body ached, it felt like my limbs would fall off my body if I moved. My lonely body felt heavy and lethargic, but I managed to drag myself out of bed. I felt even heavier when I stood up, and I had to drag myself to the bedroom door, to leave my hole of loneliness. I looked towards my kitchen from the bedroom doorway, and felt my appetite becoming null. I pulled a knife from my pocket, gazing at the glint of the blade in the orangey pink light of the setting sun. I nervously gripped the knife when I heard a knock at the door.

 

"Izaaayaa-kuuun, come out...~" The horribly off key tone of Shizu-chan's song made me go pale with fear. The door burst open, and before I could even understand what I was doing, I had lunged at him, plunging my knife into his gut. I stabbed again, sobs pulling at my body. I stabbed again and again until his eyes closed.

 

Blood splattered all over my shaking hands and all over my body. My best friend's blood.... Oh god... Oh, god...

 

"S-Shizu-chan..? S-Shizu-chan, please w-wake up! P-please tell me you're o-okay!" I cried, dropping the knife and fumbling for my phone in my pocket.

 

"S-Shinra... Y-you need to c-come here.. I-I stabbed S-Shizu-ch-chan and h-he wuh-won't wake up! H-help! D-dying... Dead... I-I.. P-please.. I-I'm sorry!!" I blubbered nonsensically, sobbing into the phone.

 

"You actually killed... Shizu..o..?" Shinra sounded incredulous, like he couldn't believe it.

 

"I-I d-didn't!!! I-I didn't w-wuh-want t-to!!" Uncontrollable sobs obscured my words, and I collapsed on Shizu-chan's bleeding body. Suddenly, I saw his eyes shoot open, and before I could get back, there was a hand around my throat.

 

"So you thought I was dead, huh? HUH?!" Shizu-chan roared in my face, and I found myself flying through the air, and crashing into my desk.

 

"S-Shizu-chan... P-please... H-have m-mercy..." I whimpered, staring up at him with my most begging eyes.

 

"You fucking stabbed me!! Why should I?!" Shizu-chan lifted up a chair like it was a feather, and suddenly it was flying at me. I cowered pitifully, and thankfully the chair didn't hit me, crashing to the floor a few feet away in a splintery mess.

 

"I-I wanna b-be alone.. P-please, Shizu-chan.. G-go away.." I sobbed, sad to be sitting in my now wrecked apartment, hated by the world.

 

"You told me you wanted to die."

 

"I-I do!! I-I wanna k-kill myself!!" I wailed, curling in on myself into an even smaller ball, "N-now go a-away... L-let me die i-in peace.."

 

"I'm going to get Shinra. You're acting fucking weird."

 

"Izaya? Are you still there?" I heard Shinra's voice coming out of my phone from across the room. Faster than I thought was possible, I scurried across the room to pick up the phone.

 

"Y-yes, I'm s-still h-here!" I sobbed into the phone. I took a second to look at Shizu-chan over my shoulder. "P-please, j-just get yourself h-help S-Shizu-ch-chan.. I-I won't kill m-myself.. yet.." 

 

"Fine. I will." Shizu-chan muttered, leaving the apartment, the door slamming behind him.

 

"S-Shizu-chan is g-gonna be at y-your apartment.. I-I told him t-to go there.." I spoke to Shinra, my hands trembling and bloody, gripping tightly to the phone. 

 

"Okay then. Thanks for letting me know..?" I heard Shinra sighing. 

 

"M-mhm.." I nodded, and hung up, before looking at my wrecked desk. The computer monitors were all sparking, smoking husks now, but I didn't think the actual computers were damaged. I hope they aren't, since I'm guessing they're how I do my work. Since I don't have a piano, a pianist must not be my job.. I dragged myself to the bathroom, forcing myself to look in the mirror. A dark, hand shaped ring of bruises blossomed on my neck, from Shizu-chan's attempt to choke me to death. Small gashes, from where he'd dug his nails in littered my neck as well. I sighed softly, and looked down at my feet. 

 

"I'm a worthless mess..." Hello, my old friend loneliness.. I sighed, and forced myself to smile at the reflection in the mirror. I had definitely perfected hiding when I was depressed and people around. I scrubbed the blood off my hands, and washed my face off, before walking out of my apartment. I need to go and see someone. Suddenly, my phone chimed. Ecstatic, I fumbled to turn it on. The notification seemed to be for a chatroom. The message was from someone under the handle "Bacura".

 

-Bacura: Yo yo yo, what's up~?-

 

I excitedly fumbled to type a reply, and noticed I apparently went under the chat handle "Kanra".

 

-Kanra: Hello, Bacura-kun~ It's so nice to see you~ (I pretended I knew what I was doing while I talked to the mysterious Bacura)

 

《Private mode》 Bacura: Cut the crap. Nobody's gonna believe that "cute" act you're still pulling. Just shut up and die already.

 

Bacura: Hello Kanra.

 

Kanra: You're so stiff around me, any reason??~

 

Bacura: Yea, you're a creeper. Probably some pedo who wants to stalk little boys~ 

 

Kanra: I am nothing of the sort!!!

 

Kanra: I'm leaving for tonight, I guess Bacura-kun doesn't want to talk~ So sad~

 

Kanra: Bye bye

 

{Kanra has left the chat}-

 

I looked down at my phone with a sad sigh. Even online, I can't seem to make friends.. I wonder who this Bacura is.. I tried to force a smile, and walked out of the apartment, taking the elevator down, and exiting the building. I hummed a small, melancholic noise, and started walking down the street. After a while, I reached Ikebukuro. My 'second home' as I called it. I just loved it so much. Shinjuku just had better places to live, but I loved Ikebukuro for the hustle and bustle and the atmosphere. My brief moment of happiness and smiling widely at the night sky was wiped away like chalk hit by water, when I saw people occasionally go out of their way to leave my path. I turned my gaze back to the sky and city lights, but was interrupted by the thud of my body colliding with someone else's. 

 

"I-I'm sorry, I- Mikado?" I raised an eyebrow incredulously, surprisingly to see the little Raira student out so late. He was rather studious, so I found it strange to see him wandering the city instead of holed up in his tiny little apartment with his schoolwork.

 

"Hello Izaya-san. It's surprising seeing you running around, aren't you worried Shizuo-san will catch you? Though you aren't usually worried, now that I think about it.." The boy who, now that I got a better look at him, resembled how I should look, said. He looked uncannily similar to me, aside from the anxiety riddled, though totally relaxed and admittedly terrifying grin.

 

"He's preoccupied, so I can walk around a bit for now." I didn't bother telling Mikado that I'd tried to kill Shizu-chan unintentionally.

 

"Have you spoken to Kida-kun recently? I know you have ties with him.." 

 

"No, I'm sorry.. I-I must be going though." I quickly walked off, blending into the crowd of pedestrians before he could follow. I passed by Russia Sushi, and smiled to myself. 

 

Maybe that would cheer me up. I wasn't hungry, but maybe I'd feel better.. Yeah, I'll feel better..

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah, jeez, poor Izaya :( He definitely needs some cheering up after the brutality of Kida and Shizuo :/ And yes, I do read the novels, and that's why Kida's chat handle is written as Bacura, and not as Bakyura like in the anime


	5. Chapter 5

I hummed gleefully as I took up my trademark skipping stride, making my way to Shinra's apartment, my feet basically floating, I moved so lightly. I felt suddenly light and happy, and like my usual self, like all of my previous depression suddenly vanished. I knocked lightly on Shinra's door, with a cheery,

 

"Heee~llloooo~?" 

 

"Izaya! You came~ Come in, come in, you're a little late~ That's okay though~" Shinra all too enthusiastically wrapped an arm around my shoulders. My cheeks flushed red, not in a flustered way, but more in a taken by surprise way. I still wasn't used to this affection yet.. A happy, tingling feeling stung my chest, and I found myself smiling.

 

"Thank you for having me, Shinra~" I bit back tears of joy, knowing they were impending. 

 

"Yes, of course! Come on in!" He excitedly ushered me into his apartment, where everyone sat, chatting amongst each other. 

 

"Izaya! Are you doing okay??" Suddenly, an overbearing and cheerful Shizu-chan was in front of me.

 

"Yes, yes, Shizu-chan, I'm fine.." I sighed, this Shizu-chan was too peculiar for words. "You really don't need to worry about-- A-ah?!?! C-cut that o-out!!" I swatted at his hand, which had decided to ruffle my hair, like I was some kid, or a cat!

 

"Sorry, y-you just looked like you needed comforting." Shizu-chan grinned sheepishly.

 

"Uh huh.. Sure Shizu-chan." I quickly fixed my hair, shooting him a nasty glare, before striding into Shinra's apartment to look around at everyone there. I felt someone tap my shoulder, and I spun around to see Celty.

 

[Izaya!! Are you okay?! I'm sorry I couldn't come see you when you were in the hospital!!!] Her PDA read.

 

"Ahh, it's alright, Celty~" I shrugged, pushing my oversized glasses up the bridge of my nose. 

 

[Are you alright..? You don't sound like yourself..] Celty would've been speaking in a concerned murmur if she had a voice, I could tell. I quickly put on a quiet facade, realizing they'd think something was up if they heard me.

 

"I-I'm fine, sorry for worrying you, Celty..." I murmured, thankful for my acting skills, which had actually carried over to this world.

 

[NO!! Izaya, don't apologize!! You didn't do anything wrong!!] I could almost hear Celty screaming in a panicked voice.

 

"I-if you say so, Celty.." I took on a purposefully melancholic tone, before walking off to speak to someone else. This was fun! At the moment.. I felt a sinking hit of actual depression, my body wanting to break down in a full meltdown in the middle of a fairly normal conversation with Shinra a few minutes later. 

 

"Izaya, is something wrong??"

 

"N-no, of course not, I'm fine.. W-when do we eat..?" I smiled. 

 

"Actually, we should eat right about now~" Shinra smiled, "Everybody, it's dinner time! Get yourselves some food!" At his words, mostly everyone started a slow, conversational walk towards the kitchen. I quickly followed them.

 

Laughing and talking is nice... I'd forgotten that.. Never known it, really.. I happily chatted with everyone while I ate, a warm feeling filling my body, maybe from the steaming, delicious hotpot, or maybe.. I don't know.. It felt nice though.. Maybe it was..? No, it couldn't be the feeling of being... I shook off the confusing thoughts. I continued my slightly awkward chatting, brushing it off, and just letting my voice take a backseat to everyone else's when they wanted to reminisce.

 

Sadly, it was over too soon, and, by choice, I was walking back to Shinjuku, alone. I had declined Shizu-chan's invitation to walk me home, since he acted too much like a possessive, caring older brother to me, and it was too strange to handle in large doses.. 

 

Suddenly, I came to a stop on the sidewalk, my body hunching in on itself, and I felt fat, hot tears spilling down my cheeks. What's happening to me..? The sudden cold, bitter wind stung at my body, making me shiver and want to cry more. I heard thunder roll, and an unspeakable, unfamiliar terror hit me like a bus. Suddenly, hard hitting rain was pouring down from the dreary, 10:00 PM sky. I felt my body moving on its own, cowering up in a pathetic, miserable ball on the wet street. It was cold, and lonely, and wet, and I didn't understand why I was scared! After what felt like hours of cold misery, my body was numb from the cold rain and wind, and I heard someone yell to me, just as I passed out.

 

I woke up in someone's bed.. Not mine.. Ah.. This was a spare futon at Shinra's place, in a guest room, I remember now. I couldn't feel my fingers, but I wasn't freezing anymore.. The whole room was comforting and warm.. My glasses were laying cracked beside me..

 

"Izaya?" Shinra's voice was soft and tentative for once.

 

"M-my head hurts.." Was the most I could say, but I breathed a sigh of relief when the warmth of the room flooded my body.

 

"You should've let Shizuo walk you home, you're still weak, and he offered!" Shinra looked worried for me, "And he's the one who carried you all the way back here!"

 

"E-eh..?" This was getting stranger by the minute. I jumped to my feet, my head reeling, and took off running as best as I could. I felt like vomiting but I needed to get back to my apartment, I want a way out of this creepy town! I scrambled to make my way out of Shinra's apartment, and down the still rainy street, panic and the sounds of thunder and sight of lightning wracking my body. 

 

I managed to get back to my apartment, just barely, falling to my knees in the doorway. I felt my skinny shoulders twitch with the urge to cry. Before I realized what my body was doing, I was crying too hard to see, uncontrollable wailing filling the empty apartment.

 

"I-I wuh-wanna g-go home!!" I wailed, my whole body trembling. Look at me.. I'm such a mess, acting like a frightened child.. 

 

"I...zaya..?" I heard a confused voice behind me, and managed to look up to see Namie, standing in the hallway and looking down at me. I tried to back away from her, I couldn't handle this.. These people were too touchy feely, too sweet.. I can't handle it, all these people trying to touch me, it's making it worse! I don't want people to touch me.. I don't LIKE being touched! 

 

"P-please.. go away.." I begged her.

 

"You're going to tell me what's wr--- Oh." She stopped, remembering the rain outside. She knows something about this me that I don't yet. Suddenly, I felt her arms around me. "It's just rain, don't get scared, it won't hurt you.." I flinched at her caring tone, and at the forced hug.

 

"Sorry.." I murmured, pulling myself away from her quickly, and retreating to my bedroom. My head barely hit the pillows before my phone started beeping incessantly. I reached to answer it, with a groggy, tearful, "H-hell..o..?"

 

"Izaya, what were you thinking running out like that?! You shouldn't be doing that, you just fainted, and you were in the hospital only a few days ago--" I hung up on Shinra. I didn't want to hear him nag me, so I shut the phone off, and let myself sleep.

 

When I woke up, I sighed at the slew of texts from Shinra, Shizu-chan, and Celty that I was met with upon booting up my phone.

 

"Ugh, lovely..." I scowled, my childish fits from last night now replaced with bitterness. I dragged myself out of bed, trudging to the living room. I paused, a bit of happiness returning to my body as I looked out the window at my humans below. I looked at the calendar on my phone, I guess it's a Saturday today.. Weekends were the best days to go people watching, I'd decided several years ago, since nobody was at school, and most people weren't at work either. Saturday was the best day out of the two weekend days. People were always going shopping, taking walks, going on dates, it was quite fun to observe. I felt like myself again as I watched my little humans mill around like little ants. Getting off the bed, I gave a cat like stretch, before venturing out of my apartment. Time for a bit of people watching. In my favorite little city of Ikebukuro. 

 

I reached my city, and plunked myself down on a swing near the edge of a park, rocking myself back and forth slightly. People holding hands, parents and their children, people who might just be gangsters, best friends laughing and talking, a couple arguing, all these kinds of people were visible from where my seat was positioned. 

 

"This is so entertaining~" I hummed, a childlike excitement filling my body.

 

"Izaya!!!" I heard the all too familiar voice of Shizu-chan yell to me.

 

"Great..." I said bitterly to myself, before speaking in a faked cheery tone, "Hello, Shizu-chan!"

 

"Izaya, what the hell were you thinking, sitting out in the cold last night, you'll get sick doing that!!" He sounded angry, that kind of angry that parents got when their children had done something dangerous.

 

"I don't know. Now please, kindly leave me alone, I was people watching~" I shot a nasty look at him with my eyes, my lips curling into a rotten smile.

 

"You've been acting seriously weird lately! You don't look like yourself either.." Shizu-chan's tone was concerned, and disgustingly condescending. 

 

"Goodbye, Shizu-chan." And with that, I stood up, leaving the quiet park behind. I shut off my phone, and wandered until I found a suitable building to sit atop and people watch from afar. My whole body felt confused and achy.. I felt vulnerable and depressed on one side, but the other part of me was just normal..

 

I have to clear my head somehow.. Even though I really, desperately need to get back to my Ikebukuro.. And fast...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for reviewing!!! You're all too nice O////O Poor Izaya-kun, his body says to be like this Izaya, but his mind says to be like he is as himself :( Also, it might take a bit longer than normal to get chapter 6 up this week, since I'm busy with dance lessons, and my dad's friend coming from Europe to stay the week with us ;;; I'll try to get it up on schedule though (Well, as much of a schedule as my fics ever have XD)


	6. Chapter 6

I quietly entered the restaurant, staring at my feet, praying I wouldn't draw attention to myself. I sat down at a table, alone, barely even mumbling out my order when Simon came up to me to take my order. I jumped, feeling my phone buzz in my pocket. A text... From... That's... Wait..

 

The text was sent from my phone number. All it said was, 

 

~"Hello."

 

"who are you" I texted back to the mysterious person.

 

"Tell me your name." The number replied.

 

"it's Izaya Orihara... who are you??" 

 

"My name is Izaya Orihara. Just as I thought, you're me."

 

"i don't understand.." I was shaking now, this person was scaring me. Why did I give them my name?!

 

"You're me. We are different versions of the same man. We're both Izaya Orihara. You must be quite moronic to not understand me." 

 

"don't be so horrible to people.."

 

"Why does that matter? Anyways, it seems we were sent into each others words."

 

"i don't understand orihara-san"

 

"Well, I woke up in the hospital this week after allegedly committing suicide. And I've been met with a spine tingling amount of kindness from people who should hate me or not care about me."

 

"is shizuchan okay??"

 

"Why do you want to know?"

 

"he's my best friend!! please, tell me if he's alright!"

 

"He's fine. So is Shinra. Everyone else is too. If too kind."

 

"everyone here is scary.. they don't like me and Shizu-chan tried to kill me.."

 

"That's normal."

 

"that's horrible!!!"

 

"It's how it is in my world." 

 

"how do you deal with that every day?"

 

"What do you mean?"

 

"I can barely keep it together.. even though everyone in my world is so nice.."

 

"I'm not sure, I just, I suppose I enjoy it. I like to toy with people, it's fun. Especially playing with Shizu-chan."

 

"is that why he hates me??" 

 

"I see you're finally catching on."

 

"i don't want to talk to you anymore right now.." I turned off my phone.~

 

I sighed softly, and stared at my feet. I wasn't hungry at all anymore, so I left payment for my yet to arrive food on the table, and ran out. I want to cry, I want to scream.. But there's nobody in this world who wants to make me feel better.. I need someone, but there isn't anyone.. I'd rather be all alone in a world with nobody but me.. I can't stand being alone.. Maybe if I apologize to everyone for whatever this me has done.. I bolted to Shinra's apartment, hoping to find Shizu-chan there.

 

Sure enough, he was, sitting on Shinra's couch.

 

"S-Shizu-chan!" He looked up when I yelled his name.

 

"What the hell do you want, louse?" He growled, standing up.

 

"I-I w-want to apo-pologize... F-for hurting y-you.." I murmured, staring at my feet.

 

"You want to apologize? After eight years of you being a dick to me, you want to apologize?" He snapped, moving closer to me.

 

"I-I'm s-sorry!!! R-really, I-I am!!" Tears flooded my vision. I feel sick, he's going to kill me, I'm going to die... I don't want my best friend to be who kills me!

 

"You think I'm going to fall for that bullshit, huh?!" Suddenly, I'm on the floor, looking up at his horrifying expression. A livid grin spreads across his face. 

 

"P-please, Shizu-chan..." I plead softly, "A-accept me.."

 

"You get all pathetic and depressed when someone puts you in your place, don't you?" Shizu-chan growls. He yanks me up by my collar.

 

"P-please, j-just put m-me down!!!" I shriek, trying to kick him to make him let me down. He shoots me a nasty look, and suddenly I'm laying on the floor.

 

"Shizuo! How are you feeling? Sorry it took me so long to-- Oh." Shinra comes barging in, flinching when he sees Shizu-chan about to attack me.

 

"S-Shinra!!! H-help!!!!" I scream at him. Tears are flowing down my cheeks, I just can't stop crying.. 

 

"Did he hurt you?" Shinra asks.

 

"No, but he would've!!!" Me and Shizu-chan say at exactly the same time.

 

"Shitty louse!! Get out!" Shizuo snarls at me, and there's a sudden sharp kick to my stomach. By the time I've registered the attack, I'm laying with my back against the wall of the apartment. 

 

"P-please, Shizu-chan.." I sob, my shoulders heaving so hard that my whole body shakes, "I-I really, truly a-am... S-sorry.." 

 

"STOP FUCKING LYING!!!" Shizu-chan roars, and the last thing I see is his fist hitting my face.

 

When I wake up.. I can't see anything.. The heavy weight of bandages is all over my face, and I can hear something beeping and ringing in the background. My phone, I think.. I fumble for it, and somehow manage to find it. I clumsily answer the call, mumbling out a, "H-hello?"

 

"Hello~" My own voice greets me. I shriek in horror and almost drop my phone. "Ne, don't be so scared~ It's just you~" The man laughs. He doesn't sound like me, he sounds cold and sarcastic.

 

"I-I'm s-sorry... I-I hurt your body.." I whisper.

 

"How did you go and do that?"

 

"I-I tried t-to apologize t-to Shizu-chan.." A sob catches in my throat.

 

"Ah, I guess I didn't tell you~ He won't listen to us, even if you cry~ He really is a monster~..." The other me chuckles bitterly.

 

"B-b-but people can change!!" I protest, "I-I can make him l-love us again!! Th-then he'll be l-like my Shizu-chan is.." I feel myself break down in tears.

 

"Shizu-chan won't change~"

 

"HE CAN!!!" I shriek into the phone, before breaking down into violent sobbing fits.

 

"Do stop crying, you're ruining my body."

 

"Y-you're s-such an awful p-person..." I clutch the phone in shaking hands.

 

"I'd say that's one of my better qualities~"

 

"N-no wonder... N-no wonder S-Shizu-ch-chan h-hates us.." I sob quietly, and hang up on the other me. He can't be me! He just can't! But.. who else would he be..?

 

"Izaya~" Shinra's voice enters the room.

 

"T-take these off.." I say softly, pointing to my bandaged face.

 

"Ah, of course~ You know, you shouldn't aggravate Shizuo like that. He really doesn't trust you at all." Shinra says calmly, and I squint to see as he takes off the bandages.

 

"I-I want h-him to trust me..!" I cry softly, whimpering in pain when the tears sting at my eyes.

 

"Oh, wow, you're almost fully healed!" Shinra marvels.

 

"M-my face hurts.." I murmur, "A-and please.. G-get Shizu-chan to trust m-me.."

 

"He won't listen to me on the subject, either." I stand up quickly, not caring about any damage my face has suffered. 

 

"I-I'll make him trust m-me then!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the much shorter than normal chapter, I just thought this was a good cliffhanger ;; And the two Izayas finally meet~


	7. Chapter 7

I raise an eyebrow, staring at my phone.

 

"So this is the me that should be in this world..? He's pathetic!" I can't help but laugh at him. He acts like a lost puppy crying for his master!

 

"All he ever says is "I want Shizu-chan to love me! Why does everyone hate me?!" Ha!! I'll tell you why they hate you! Because you're a desperate, pleading little kid who can't take care of himself. You wanna play with people from my city, you've gotta learn to fight~" I grin, still marveling at his incompetence. I stand up, and attempt to leap to the rooftop adjacent to the one I'm perched on. This body lacks my own body's parkour skill. I catch myself on a ledge, thank God. 

 

"Maybe I shouldn't try that until I get back. Besides, Shizu-chan might see me, and he'll think I'm trying to kill myself!" I laugh at the thought, and suddenly...

 

Speak of the devil. There's Shizu-chan, on the ground below me.

 

"Oh, hello there~ Fancy seeing you here~" I let myself jump down hesitantly.

 

"What the hell were you doing, Izaya?! You're going to die doing that!" He's suddenly holding me in his arms, and this body is too weak to stop him.

 

"Let. Me. Go." I struggle in his hold. Get off, get off me, stop touching me!! Just get the hell off me!! 

 

"You need to go see Shinra, idiot. You're still sick from being out in the rain last night, I think.." I'm shaking now, why won't he let me go?! Let go, let go! Hands, on my skin, on my body, touching me, stop, stop, I hate it!! I shriek with all my might, and try to shove him off.

 

"G-get off me, you fucking monster!" Me saying that makes him let go immediately. I run off, hoping to lose track of him and get back to my apartment. I don't have control over this world, and that's why I hate it! I can't control anyone! This me isn't a powerful informant, he's just a weak, incompetent little musician, nothing more! I can't be in control, I can't do my job, and I'm not even feared anymore! I suddenly feel my legs go weak, and I collapse in an alley. I start coughing, it feels like I'm going to throw up, it's so disgusting, I'm going to cough up my insides. I try to get to my feet, but my legs just won't work. I can hear Shizu-chan yelling for me, and I struggle to get up. Suddenly, a strong hand grabs my wrist, my bare skin, and I turn to see Shizu-chan, a look of panic on his face.

 

"Izaya, what the hell?! You're gonna die doing that!" He looks like he's... going to cry..? His grip on my arm tightens. He's touching my skin, he's on me, it feels like he's in me, like there's worms crawling through my skin. I scream, and kick him as hard as I can. It's enough to stun him, but I don't make it far enough to get away, and I collapse.

 

When I wake up.. I'm in Shinra's goddamn apartment again. I feel disgusting, my body is heavy, and it hurts... I cough weakly-- Is that really my voice..?

 

"Izaya.." Shinra sounds tentative and nervous as he enters the room, "Don't get up, you're sick, you have to stay here..."

 

"D-don't patronize me.. Why the hell am I here anyways?"

 

"Because you're sick, and you need rest!" He raises his voice, and I can hear stress in his tone.

 

"Th-then let me go home." I say, as bluntly as I can. My head is going to explode, I feel like death in a human's body..

 

"I can't let you go home, you can't even walk right now! You're straining yourself too much!" Shinra sounds like he might cry, it's not something I've heard before..

 

"Fine then.. I'll stay here.." I growl at him as a final act of hate for his kindness. I want to go back to my world, this one is all wrong.. 

 

"Izaya.." I look up, and Shizu-chan is standing in the doorway. I shriek and try to get away. Don't touch me, you fucking freak!

 

"G-get away!!" My body feels tired and sore, and seeing Shizu-chan is going to add a headache to those problems. 

 

"Hey, Izaya.. It's okay... I promise, you won't get hurt.." He sounds gentle, and tired, and he slowly approaches me. 

 

"Don't touch me...." I pull the bedclothes over my head, hiding my body completely from him. 

 

My phone rings, and he quickly leaves, presumably so he won't interrupt the call. The caller ID tells me Namie is calling.

 

"H-hello?" I kick myself for sounding so pathetic.

 

"Izaya!! What happened to you!?" She sounds scared and worried. I let my expression change to the nastiest, most rotten smile I can muster, knowing she'll hear it in my voice, and that Shizu-chan will see it.

 

"Will you please, just, go away, Namie? You're being a nuisance~" I laugh to cover the guilt I'm feeling for telling a nice person that.

 

"I'm supposed to be taking care of you, stupid. I'm supposed to dote on you. Also, you really need to take your medication that they gave you at the hospital. You're acting more unstable than I've ever seen you."

 

"I'm fine, do stop pestering me~" I let one of my signature maniacal laughs escape my throat, my smile only growing nastier.

 

"I'm coming to take you back to the apartment. You need proper care and rest." And with that, she hangs up.

 

"Ne, what a nuisance~ Isn't she, Shizu-chan?" I laugh at the confused, somewhat angry expression on Shizu-chan's face.

 

"You're being terrible! I don't know what the hell's up, but you need to talk to someone.." He looks worried. I laugh at his expression, it's just such an unnatural sight! My familiar personality decides to return, and my god, does it feel great.

 

"Me, terrible? Oh, no no no, Shizu-chan, a monster like yourself is truly the terrible one~" I feel my mind going ballistic as I speak..Depression, maniacal loathing, despair, my both sadistic and masochistic personality, a want to cry, and a want to set everything on fire and go back to my world. I suddenly get an idea.. Maybe.. If I have a near death experience, I can get sent home! I laugh, and it feels great, I can get home! Back to a world where I'm notorious and hated, where Namie wants to hit me even though I'll surely fire her, where Shizu-chan would be more than happy if I dropped dead! I miss my world so much, and now I'll get to go back! 

 

"I-Izaya? Is something wrong?" Shizuo's tone is a little scared, and it makes me laugh harder.

 

"No, I've never felt better!! I feel amazing! I feel like a god!" I shriek, only laughing more. I jump out of bed, and spin around. "I hate you so much I could fucking kiss you!" I feel my body coursing with a newfound vigor, better than I've ever felt. I shriek with laughter, cackling like a psycho with all my might. I hate to be touched, but in my hysteria, I find myself shoving my mouth onto his like I want to rip his tongue out of his mouth. When he's dazed, I shriek with more maniacal giggles and kick him to the ground, jumping on his torso, just for the hell of it! I don't care that I'll fall possibly to my death as I throw open the balcony door with a pronounced air of drama to my movements, and launch myself ten stories down onto the ground below. I laugh as I catch myself just before becoming a human pancake on the pavement. I laugh as I take off running for my apartment. I wanna go home with a grand exit, so I'll set the apartment on fire! Who cares about the consequences for the other me? His reaction will be gold anyways! I let a gleefully hysterical holler fly from my vocal chords as I sprint. The other me's body isn't handling it, but I don't notice, I don't care! I'm practically jumping off the walls with excitement inside the elevator of my apartment building, and I dart inside once the top floor is reached. I run to the kitchen, yanking pillows and blankets off the couch as I run. Namie's already left, too bad, I wanted to see how she'd react.. I turn on the stove burners with no hesitation, and throw the blankets over them. Immediately, a beautiful fire starts up, and I excitedly fling the flaming blanket towards the carpeted living room, lighting the couch aflame. The smoke alarm on the ceiling won't shut up, so I yank a small knife from the knife block, and fling it with all this body's strength. Flames rise from the living room, and I ecstatically add to them by flinging a flaming pillow in just any direction. It catches the curtains in the kitchen on fire, knocking them to the floor in the process. I shriek with laughter as I watch the flames.

 

"This is so much fun!!!" Flames swirl around the room, and my brain starts to ache as my body absorbs the smoke of my own created chaos. I swear I can hear sirens and people outside, but who cares?! I'm going home!!! Home, I tell you! No more affection, I missed being hated!! My manic laughter only gets louder and more volatile as the fire rises, and suddenly, I'm crying hysterically on my knees. Why..? My chest suddenly burns with the want to stay here and become accustomed to their love. I flop back onto a patch of non flaming floor, laying on my back, manic sob-laughs filling my apartment with the smoke.

 

I catch a glimpse of what the other me must be seeing, and grin ecstatically. I'm going to go home! And they'll learn to love and adore me there, too! But for now..

 

I'll close my eyes and wait till I'm me again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah, jeez Izaya, you didn't have to go that far ;;


	8. Chapter 8

*KNOCK KNOCK*

 

"Shizu-chan, p-please, open up! Shizuo!" I bang on his door, resisting the urge to start crying. He opens the door after almost a full minute of knocking.

 

"What do you want?!" He practically throws the door open.

 

"I-I'm really... s-sorry... F-for everything I've d-done to you... C-can we p-please... j-just... C-can we be friends...?" I flash a little, hopeful smile up at him, crossing my fingers behind my back.

 

"You think I trust you enough to be your friend?!" He snarls, and I try not to look too afraid of him.

 

"P-please... I-I need you to trust me... m-more than you c-could know.." I feel myself start to cry, and out of habit, I wrap my arms around his waist tightly, sobbing hard.

 

"Let go of me." He insists angrily, but I hear a bit of guilt in his voice.. I don't want him to be my friend because of guilt!

 

"S-Shizu-chan... I-I really am s-sorry..." I murmur, trying to stop my body from shaking. 

 

"Get out." I hear and angry and almost tearful shake in his voice, and quickly step away.

 

"O-okay... I-I'll leave... I-I'm sorry f-for bothering y-you so much.. I-I wish w-we could be friends though.." I flash a little smile at him through my tears, and leave before he decides to try and kill me again. He doesn't stop me, and I realize something.. He won't change.. Whatever the other me did to him was too extreme.. I turn around, scurrying back up to him. I can ask him how I can make it up to him!

 

"P-please, tell me how I-I can fix it!" I clasp my hands together, staring up at him with scared, pleading eyes.

 

"What the hell does that mean, flea?" He looks confused.

 

"P-please, I w-wanna be your friend, Shizuo!" I plead. He groans, and pulls something from his breast pocket. A cigarette, which he lights between his lips.

 

"Th-those are bad for you!" I blurt out.

 

"I don't give a shit. I'm tired, and pissed, and they calm me down. So fuck my health, honestly." He takes a long drag of the cigarette, slowly exhaling heavy smoke.

 

"F-fine... I'm just worried...." I freeze, remembering why I didn't just leave. "C-can I tell you something?"

 

"What is it? Flea, if this is some stupid bullshit--"

 

"I-I'm not a-actually your Izaya!" I frantically cut him off.

 

".....The fuck?" He cocks his head to one side.

 

"I-I'm from a different world, y-your Izaya is in m-my world!" I shriek, before he can go into a rage again.

 

"What the hell does that mean?" 

 

"W-we should sit down, s-so I can explain better.." I stare at my feet.

 

"No. Just hurry the hell up and explain it to me." He snaps. I nod quickly.

 

"W-well, somehow.. T-the Izaya you think I am.. H-he's in my world... S-so I'm here... U-until I can get home... C-can you be my friend...?" I smile timidly.

 

"Ugh.. As long as you're not fucking with me."

 

"I-I'm not!"

 

"Fine. What do you want to go do fl- Izaya?" I almost cry from happiness when this Shizu-chan doesn't call me a flea.

 

"I-I want to... U-um... Hm... I-I wanna.. Let's go get cake!" I feel my stomach rumble. I haven't eaten for the five or so days I've been in this world, and I feel like dying of hunger. He starts walking, and I quickly follow.

 

"You really are different from the flea." I hear a little awe in Shizu-chan's voice.

 

"Huh...?"

 

"He hates sugar. Probably thinks it'll make him fat or something." Shizu-chan laughs. He laughs! 

 

"Oh.. I guess we're really different.. He's mean." I stare at my feet.

 

"Yeah. He's a real bastard. Always screwing with everyone."

 

"I-I hope everyone in my world isn't gonna be scared of me when I g-go back.." 

 

"Oh. You think he's been fuckin' around with everyone where you're from?"

 

"Oh... I-I guess.." I shrug, "That's the gist of it.."

 

"I'll kick his ass into space for ya when you two switch back, got it?" I catch him smiling, and force myself to control my emotions. He's just... He's so much like my Shizu-chan!

 

"I-I don't like violence.. B-b-but thank you.." I smile to show my gratitude. Suddenly, he stops walking in front of a little café, nothing fancy. 

 

"Come on, in here. Also," He pauses to pull my jacket off me and roll up the sleeves on my top, "Just because I can't have people thinking you're the actual flea."

 

"Oh.. O-okay.." I just nod, and quickly follow him inside the café. It smells great in there, like coffee, and cream, and chocolate, and berries, and icing sugar, and a bit like cinnamon. I close my eyes and take a deep inhale of the smell, but can't help but laugh when Shizu-chan does the same. I shift from one leg to the other, before looking up at him. "I-I can pay."

 

"Oh, thanks." He nods, and I can tell he's thinking about something, god knows what. I scurry up to the counter, and order a slice of strawberry cake for him, and a slice of cheesecake, and some coffee, for myself, and bring it over to a small table in the corner of the shop, with him sitting across from me.

 

"So, you're from another world, aren't you?" He raises an eyebrow, and shoves a forkful of cake into his mouth, including a whole strawberry. 

 

"I-I'm not sure, but I think it's more like a parallel to this one.." I try to explain. 

 

"That makes... Kind of sense. If you were the Izaya from this world, you'd be giving me some stupid explanation and then say something like "Oh, but an amoeba like yourself wouldn't know what that means~"" I almost choke on my coffee at the near perfect impression of the other me.

 

"Th-that was scary accurate." I laugh, and set my coffee down, poking my cake with my fork.

 

"He's not hard to impersonate. Just sound like a total dick, and that's all you need to do." He snorts with laughter, and I can't help but smile. He's really immature, it's funny.

 

"That's a little mean, b-but you're right." I laugh softly. He nods, and I watch him shove more of his cake into his mouth. I feel an abrupt twitch in my chest, like a little pain. I try not to cringe up, and ignore it, slowly sipping my coffee.

 

"What do you do? Like, for work." He asks.

 

"O-oh, I'm a pianist.. What does this me do?"

 

"He's some shitty, shady ass info broker who loves fucking with human lives." He says it so simply. I feel another shooting pain in my chest, harder to ignore. I nod along to his words quietly. 

 

"Mm..." I murmur, feeling more of a burning feeling in my chest.

 

"Are you okay?!" I hear him yell, and I realize, I'm slumped in my chair, almost falling out.

 

"S-Shizuo, I'm fine.." I smile nervously, straightening up. I feel more pain, worse pain, shooting through my chest. I'm starting to feel heavy and lightheaded, and I slouch forwards in my chair. I try to prove to him I'm fine when he opens his mouth, by picking up my fork and trying to take a bite of my cake. I drop the fork onto the floor with a pitiful clatter, my body getting heavier and heavier by the second. 

 

"What the hell is wrong with you?! What's happening??" Shizu-chan's voice is panicked and scared, and I force myself to smile at him, before I go unconscious.


	9. Chapter 9

I wake up in a hospital room, the soft beeping the only background noise. Ah, alone. I can't help but feel a little pang in my chest at the feeling of nobody with concern for me being around. I notice my clothes hanging up in the corner, and quickly dash over to get my phone from my pocket. There's no burns on me, I got home!! I'm home, I'm home! I open my phone up, and text Shizu-chan with a grin on my face.

 

"Greetings protozoan, your favorite flea is home~~" I send the message, knowing he'll get that it's the real me, not that incompetent fake. Except, he won't. Because he's a stupid protozoan. I laugh to myself, a slight pain in my chest. No, it's not from loneliness, I'm not that desperate! I smile at Shizuo's lack of response. Stupid monster. I kick at the floor in frustration, before going over to the window to catch up on my people watching.

 

Everyone, all my humans, they seem so dull and sluggish on this fine morning! I sigh, my temporary excitement draining, and drag myself back to the hospital bed.

 

"So, nobody cares about me... I have no friends!" I feel a pang in my chest again, and force loud, crazy laughter to come out. I feel my face getting wet, and scowl, reaching up to run a hand down my cheek. I freeze up, realizing that I'm crying like a little baby, tears streaming down my cheeks. Before I can stop myself, I'm sobbing and hiccupping hysterically. 

 

"I-I don't w-wuh-wanna b-be alone!" I cry, shoulders heaving with sobs. It's disgusting and childish, I know, but I'm sobbing harder, my nose clogged up and runny.

 

"I-I'm s-suh-so lonely..." I start feeling worse than I've ever felt in my life, my head hurts, my body feels sensitive and frail, my chest hurts, too much, it hurts so much.. I start to speak to reprimand my own behavior, but my voice cracks, pitching up with my sadness.. I try to steady my hands, and grab my phone, trying to call Shinra as fast as I can.

 

"Hello?" He sounds so happy, and it brings a soft little smile to my lips, even through my tears.

 

"S-Shinra..!" My voice breaks, and if I was standing in front of him, I'd be throwing my arms around him with all my strength, "C-can you come and see me...? I'm in the hospital... I know you don't care, but it'd make me so happy if you came to see me..!" I know how pathetic I sound, but it's true, I would die happy if I found out these people even care a little. 

 

"Izaya, why do you always want me to come to the hospital and see you?" He sounds a little... annoyed with me..? No, please, I'm so lonely, please.. 

 

"Please, Shinra.. I'm alone... I really don't wanna be alone anymore... P-please.." I say softly into the phone, before hanging up on him. I feel disgusting, and pathetic, for crawling to him and pleading for some semblance of a normal friendship! I am disgusting and pathetic though, so it's fitting.. Ugh, I'm a mess... What happened to the former me?! I'm a... a god... Fuck it, I'm not... Gods are appreciated and loved and worshipped and I'm just.... A disgusting, unloved, lonely little human. 

 

And is a friend really too much to ask from this world....?

 

I'll stop playing god, I'll be a kind person, I swear.... 

 

I just want love from this world...

 

I just want at least one of my humans to love and adore me as much as I love them.

 

__________________

 

I wake up in a hospital room, my body sore and heavy. Shinra, Shizu-chan, Celty, my sisters, and Namie are standing at the foot of the bed.

 

"W-what h-happened..?" My head feels too heavy and painfully warm to function right.. 

 

"Izaya! Y-you're awake... Oh, thank god.." Shinra looks like he's been crying, and I see him wipe his eyes on the sleeve of his lab coat. 

 

"Yes, but..." I sigh softly, "What happened to me..?"

 

"Y-you set your apartment on fire..." He answers solemnly, still sounding like he's gonna cry.

 

"I-I... Oh..." The other me must've done that to get home.. I feel bad for him, he could've stayed here and he could've been as happy as he wanted... It's so sad....

 

"I-I have to tell all of you something..." I begin softly. I go on to tell them why I was probably acting different the last week or so, and what happened in the other world.. 

 

"That's what happened? That explains why you kept snapping at everyone." Shizu-chan looks extra sympathetic towards me when I finish telling them my story.

 

"That explains so much..." Namie sighs, 

 

[I'm so sorry that all that happened to you..] I struggle to read Celty's PDA screen, my vision blurry with my headache and lack of glasses.

 

I smile softly, missing the concern from everyone I hadn't received I hadn't received while I was in the other world. "Thank you all..."

 

"O-of course, Izaya! We all care deeply for you, and want to help you..!" Shinra reaches to hug me, but Celty and Shizu-chan hold him back.

 

"Jeez, careful, you'll hurt him, idiot!" Shizu-chan scolds, and I can't help but start laughing. 

 

God, I missed them all so much. I feel so bad for the other me though, he's not going to be loved.. Like he really deserve.. Love and affection would make him such a nice person, I know it. I suddenly get what I know will be the best idea I'll ever have.

 

"Could all of you leave the room..? I have to make a call." I smile. The six of them leave, my sisters waving to me. I pick up the phone on the bedside, and dial the number of the other me's cellphone. 

 

Soft crying answers me.

 

"Hello?" I say softly, putting on my genuinely kind tone when I hear him crying.

 

"W-who is this...?" His voice greets me, but it sounds like my own now..

 

"It's you. I'm gonna tell you, it's okay, don't worry, everything's gonna be okay for you.." I say kindly, like I'm comforting a lost child.

 

"B-b-but everyone here hates m-me..." I feel my heart shatter, and I wish I could comfort him, he sounds so lonely.

 

"Just show everyone that you can change. Be kind to them, show Shinra and Shizu-chan that you care about them, I promise it'll work~ I got Shizu-chan to like me in your world, so it's possible~" I smile, and pray that he'll listen to my advice.

 

"O-okay... It works..? The protozoan actually likes you?" 

 

I laugh softly. "First of all, don't call him a protozoan~ Call him by his name. Shizuo. Not Shizu-chan, not brute, not protozoan." 

 

"Alright.... I'll try to change.." I hear him cheering up, and I forget that it's hurting to hold the phone in my bandaged and burned hands as I listen to him.

 

"Good! Everything will be okay, okay?" I smile softly, and hang up after my final positive words. Everyone comes back into my room.

 

"What was that about?" Shizuo raises an eyebrow.

 

"Oh, nothing," I smile,

 

"Just had to give a friend a little advice."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: And this story is finished~ Wow, this is probably my favourite story I've written so far out of anything I've made. I closed off our Izaya's story a little bittersweet, because you can make one person's story end right, but not always other people's at the same time~ I'm so glad everyone enjoyed this story, and I'm sorry for writing shorter chapters near the end, but I'm glad you all liked it as much as you did! Thank you all~


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